I love this story and have been telling everyone I know about it. This is what learning should look like. Parents so often come to me concerned about their children’s academic achievement. And, I get it. We live in a world where our worth is very much a reflection of our achievements.  Collectively, we have bought into the understanding that learning must be measurable. We are as smart as our test scores say we are. Anything that can’t be quantified is just ‘extra’.

You may have seen the story of Caine’s Arcade on the news. The media loves this story, as well they should. Caine is a 9-year-old boy whose father owns a used auto part shop in East Los Angeles. Caine spends his summers at work with Dad where, to keep him occupied, Dad supplies endless cardboard boxes and packaging tape.  With the supplies, lots of free time and some impressive ingenuity, Caine has built an elaborate arcade all on his own.

Building this arcade provided Caine with natural opportunities to figure out the basics of so many fundamental subjects; subjects usually learned in a classroom and quantified with a grade.  In order to build the actual arcade games, Caine had to utilize (and teach himself) basic geometry and engineering.  He designed and implemented a ‘security’ system on each ‘machine’ by cleverly using the “checkmark” (square root) button on a calculator.  He figured out marketing basics, including business cards and “Caine’s Arcade” t-shirts.  He considered supply and demand when deciding on the cost of game tickets versus “Daily Fun Passes”.  And, of course, there’s the imagination of a little boy that sparked the whole idea in the first place.

This is what learning should look like.  Child-led learning is where new concepts are not chosen and taught by an instructor, but rather are discovered by a child’s mind out of sheer curiosity.  This is lasting learning.  Caine did not take on this project for anyone else.  He certainly was not doing this for a grade.  He took on this project out of enthusiasm for creating something.  This kind of learning is fun.  And, really, this is the kind of learning we should be fostering in all our kids.

The school year is almost out and another summer upon us.  What are your kid’s plans for this summer?  How can you foster an unstructured exploration of the world in your kids during their time off?  (If you check out Caine’s Facebook page, you’ll see a series of kids from around the world who, inspired by Caine’s Arcade, have designed arcade games of their own.)

Whether it’s playing a video game, texting a friend, using FaceBook or even Googling murder, screen time is taking up more and more of kids’ time and attention.  For those of us who did not grow up surrounded by screens (read: anyone over 20), the idea of a kid being glued to a screen for a significant length of time can be worrisome.

I recently encouraged a client of mine to take a different approach.  Rather than the usual warnings about screen useage, Dad asked his 12-year old son to teach him how to play a video game.  His son’s eyes lit up. Dad learned the rules, they played together, had a great time and planned another video game night.  There was no mention of homework, grades or chores.  Technology provided a perfect platform for reconnecting.

Here’s why this was such a powerful strategy:  By asking to learn the game, Dad validated his son’s interest. By asking for direction, Dad showed admiration and respect for his son’s skill.  We all like to teach the things we feel we’re good at doing.  When Dad validates and shows respect for his son, Son feels good about himself as well as his relationship with Dad.  When this is true, he is far more cooperative with Dad.  You see where I’m going here?

When you can help your child feel good about himself and his relationship with you, he is far more likely to give back.  While the unknowns around screen use might make us anxious about how to manage it, we can also choose to see the opportunity that it provides. Ask for a video game lesson.  Encourage kids to Google something new to share with you.  The internet and video games provide enormous opportunity for learning (assuming appropirate use).  Instead of shying away from screen usage, use the screen as a tool for connecting with your kids.  Play together.  Explore something new together.  It will come back to you in the form of a more cooperative kid.

© Gila Brown

You are your child’s mirror. In other words, they see themselves through your eyes. We all work that way. It’s human nature. We come to know ourselves by our parent’s perceptions of us as kids. So, when children seem to demand attention, think of your attention as a mirror. “I see you.” “You’re feeling sad/excited/proud/ignored/angry/etc.” “I am with you.” Consider your own adult life. Isn’t this all you want from a good friend when you are feeling in need? You want to be seen. You want to be validated. You want to know you are not alone. The difference is that, as an adult, your sense of self has already been long since established. For a child, it is these mirroring interactions with parents that serve to develop their sense of self.

Why are we so reluctant to give our attention to kids when they seem to want it? The answer that I get from parents is fear. If they get attention whenever they want it, they will always demand it. What is so ironic, and equally sad, is that the exact opposite is true. Kids need attention and the more they get it, the LESS they come to need it. Conversely, the less they receive the attention the need, the more they will spend their lives seeking what they didn’t get. Simply put, you will raise more independent children if you shower them with the attention that they need as a child. They are not asking for it just to get on your nerves. They are asking for it because they truly need it. A child who feels that all their emotional needs are met has no reason to seek more attention.

So, when your little ones are being overly dramatic, when they’re being particularly demanding or clingy, know that they need something. They are in need of the validation they get when Mom or Dad acknowledges them. They are in need of attention for any of a hundred reasons: they feel alone, they feel small, they feel proud, they feel unloved, they feel left out, they feel shame, etc. Avoid creating an unnecessary power struggle. This isn’t about power unless you choose to make it so. Trust that giving them what they need when they are young is the best way to ensure that they do not grow into needy adults.

© Gila Brown

We’ve talked before about the importance of reconnecting.  This is that one-on-one time you spend with your kids.  It shows them that you actually like them.  They know you HAVE to spend time with them.  They want to know that you want to spend time with them.  Your dentist HAS to spend time with you.  Your friends CHOOSE to.  You see the difference?  Reconnecting is so important because it refuels kids love reserves.  In other words, when they feel seen, valued, respected and loved, they are far more cooperative in return.

So, this Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to “date” more than one person.  Embrace your adult Valentine’s date, as that modeling of a healthy love relationship is also important for kids to witness.  But, then make sure to plan dates with kids, too.  Think Daddy-Daughter Date night (or Mom-Son, Mom-Daughter, etc).  Get all decked out.  Buy some chocolates.  Go out for a special dinner.  Enjoy being together and take the time to talk about the things you don’t always get a chance to discuss.  Leave life’s distractions behind, commit to giving your full attention to your child.  Take the time to engage in meaningful conversations.  Share personal stories.  The little effort that this takes does so much for your relationships with your kids.

Valentine’s Day is a perfect reminder to take a break and show those you love, and especially your kids, how much you do.  And, when you see how well this works, you might even opt to make date-nights a regular practice in your home.

© Gila Brown

I would like to suggest that parenting is not a job at all. Beyond the obvious basics of food, shelter and unconditional love, a parent’s role is not measureable. There is no correct way to do it and no year-end bonus for exceeding expectations. It seems to me that parenting is, more accurately, a role rather than a job. We don’t refer to any other relationship in our lives, as a ‘job’. Being a brother, a sister, an aunt, and a friend are all roles. None of them are jobs. The difference is authenticity and unfortunate word choice.

In our role as a friend, a sister, an uncle, etc., we are at our best when we are authentically, compassionately ourselves. We are specifically appreciated for our uniqueness, not our performance. Barring any overt abuse or neglect within the relationship, there are no calculable measures by which we assess the relationship. So, why can we not apply the same language to parenting? If parents were free from meeting imaginary and elusive requirements of the position of parenting, would they not have more space to be authentically, compassionately themselves?

This week I read an article written by a mom that I found totally inspiring. This particular mom describes her numerous, yet failed, attempts to respond (correctly) when her 7-year-old daughter said, “Mom, I’m fat”. I don’t want to spoil this beautiful story for you, so here is the link so that you can read it yourself. Notice how, in the end, Mom was able to let go of getting the right answer and instead found a way to be authentically and compassionately herself.

For the most part, there are no right answers in life. When we identify parenting as a job, we imply that there is a correct and an incorrect way to do it. This sets every parent up to fail. Since there are no right answers, how can anyone expect to get them right? The only answer is authenticity. In the same way that we are ourselves in our other relationships, we need to live in to that in our relationships with children, too. Being your true self is the only right answer. So, consider this your permission to quit your job as a parent and start enjoying your role instead.

© Gila Brown

One day, Amar managed to steal the equivalent of $500 from the orphanage. He created a monthly budget and used the money to purchase treats with the other boys. Because of his position as leader, none of the other boys said a word to anyone about the theft. About a month later, the staff at the orphanage discovered what had happened. Amar was punished and threats were made regarding any sort of repeated offense.

This approach to discipline mirrors that of traditional parenting and that of most American families: Kid misbehaves. Parents seek a punishment severe enough to hopefully dissuade future offense. Here’s the problem.

While theft is certainly not something we ever want to condone, Amar was actually displaying a number of very valuable traits. He proved to be a successful leader. He clearly has forethought, is able to devise a plan and follow through with it. He is successful at creating and sticking to a budget and seems to have an entrepenurial spirit. But, the inclination is to focus on punishing the theft. What if, rather than punishing the offense, the adults in Amar’s world celebrated and redirected his strengths?

Clearly you have a lot of talent to have been able to pull off this elaborate plan. Perhaps you can devise a business plan to raise money for the orphanage. The first $500 will go towards repaying your debt, but after that, you and the other boys can come up with a plan of how to best use the profits.

I share this story with you because, often, there is a better option than punishing or stifling behavior. Behavior is always a reflection of how we feel. Amar was bored in school. (In America, he might be placed in a GATE- Gifted and Talented Education- program.) Through his behavior he was communicating that, not only was he bored at school, but that he was capable of much, much more.

What is your kid communicating to you through his or her actions? Before you dole out your next punishment for such offenses as lying, cheating, stealing and fighting, take a step back. What caused this behavior? What is good about it? (Try again. There is ALWAYS something good.) Rather than punishing or stifling the behavior, how can you redirect this? What strengths does the behavior exhibit? What unmet needs is it conveying? What will your new approach teach your kid?

© Gila Brown

I often remind parents that the world looks vastly different to kids than it does to us. There is so much that we take for granted because we’ve seen it a thousand times before. But, we easily forget that what we so take for granted is completely new, and often confusing to kids. Imagine for a moment, that YOU are 4 years old and, for the first time ever, you are taking a trip to IHOP.

The twins noticed pitchers of syrup on the table. This is a curiosity. At home, there’s a table where we eat meals with the family. But there are no pitchers of syrup on the table at home. Why would there be pitchers of syrup on this table? And who put them here? Are they always there? Did they put them there especially for us? Will someone come to take them away? Whose pitchers are they? Are we allowed to use them? What are we supposed to do with the syrup? Why are there so many pitchers? We only have one kind of syrup at home. What if I don’t want syrup? What if I want ketchup? These pitchers are unlike anything I’ve seen before. They’re black and sticky. And, if I hold them up, I can see inside a bit. Syrup looks a bit like water. I like playing with water. I like pouring water over things. I wonder if pouring syrup is like pouring water. Now my hands are sticky… and so is my brother. Mmmm…

As a parent, you undoubtedly are also able to imagine the scene. Two toddlers reaching for sticky pitchers of disaster, refusing to sit still, loudly asking an endless series of questions all beginning with the word “why” and a mother praying that her kids manage to keep it together just through this one meal.

These are the moments when we adults lose our cool. We believe this kind of behavior is disruptive, immature, disrespectful and impolite. If an adult were to behave in this way, we would certainly have something to say about it. However, what we so easily forget is that, for a child, this kind of behavior is NOT negative. In fact, on the contrary, this is EXACTLY what a toddler should be doing. The job of a toddler (and really any child) is to learn, to explore and to figure out how to engage in this world. It’s our job to facilitate that learning. However, when we mistake learning for disrespect and disruption we miss out on what we teachers like to call “teachable moments”. We also increase our own frustration levels and fault ourselves for being unable to control our kids.

So, here are 3 things to keep in mind when there’s a toddler in your world.
1) Recognize that toddler behavior is not just a case of “they don’t know any better”. Rather, they are doing precisely what they do best.
2) Give forethought to the places where you take your kids. How will this new environment suit them? Just as you would not expect a bull to calmly and gracefully stroll around a china shop, you need to take kids to places where they can do what they do best: explore.
3) Always prepare a child for a new environment. By giving kids details ahead of time about what they can expect, you are providing them with information that they can use. When we get there, you will see … You will be able to … I will … Engage them in the dialogue. See if they have questions. And, when you arrive in a new place, point out the things you discussed and expected to see.

Kids are not small adults. They are not yet conditioned to prioritize etiquette. Their zest for life remains in tact and their love of learning has not yet been squashed. Embrace that. Celebrate it. There will be plenty of time to for them to conform later. For now, just try to enjoy the sticky fingers.

© Gila Brown

1. Make friends with the teachers.

It’s no secret that the teacher to student ratio in most schools is not ideal.  This means that the squeaky wheels are going to take the majority of the teacher’s time.  However, just because a child is not “squeaky” does not mean that he does need and deserve as much individualized support from teachers.  But, it is a rare day that a teacher has the time to call home just to report that today was a great day for your kid.

Therefore, making friends with your kids’ teachers can be a huge benefit to you, as well as your kids.  If your teachers know that they have your support and your interest, they will reach out to you.  They will give you a head’s up when something seems like it might become an issue.  They will keep you in their thoughts and return your calls more quickly.  So, call.  Introduce yourselves.  Thank your teacher from day one.  Offer your support, invite them to call anytime and check in periodically.   A successful education for your kids is a result of an effective team: parent, teacher and student.

2. Facilitate the design of a homework routine.

We all learn differently.  Some of us need quiet.  Some of us need to move around on the floor.  While the school system does not leave a whole lot of room for different learning styles within a classroom, at home you can encourage your kids to design a routine that best suits them.  Help your kids design a homework routine that works for them and that they can stick with.  Know that it will likely be different for each kid.  Consider the following question to help your kids think this through:

• Where do you like to work? (floor, desk, bedroom, kitchen table, etc.)
• What sounds are helpful? (silence, quiet music, background noise of other family members, etc.)
• What supplies do you need and where do you want to keep them? (backpack, desk drawer, designated container, etc.)
• When do you want to do your homework? (right after school, after a snack/TV break, after dinner, with a time limit, etc.)
• How can other family members support you? (leave you alone, check in periodically, be available for help if you ask for it, etc.)
• Would you like to have your snack before, during or after your homework?

Remember, the goal of this routine is to help your kids get through their work effectively and help them develop study skills for the rest of their lives.  Know that their preferences may not match yours.  However, the more space you can give them to own their own routine, the more likely they will be to stick to it.

3. Put learning before grades

In today’s world, we get very caught up with grades.  While we have clearly created a society in which grades are important, we also need to recognize that, when we put so much attention on achievement, we teach kids that the grade is more important than the learning.  As far as I am concerned, this is a backwards approach to education.  This year, I encourage you to shift your focus.  Foster a love of learning by staying aware of when work becomes rote and mindless.  Encourage kids to pursue learning subjects about which they are passionate.  Learning is not something that only happens within the confines of a 4-walled classroom.  Go to a museum.  Go on a nature walk.  Cook an elaborate meal.  Try a new sport.  Build something.  Talk about your family history.  Teach your kids that learning new things is exciting and that real learning need not be quantified.

I invite you to ask yourself, aside from ‘good grades’, what do you hope your kids will gain from this academic year?  I encourage you to help them foster their own love of learning as well as the ability to live in the moment.  Getting good grades is something we do so that someday we will be able to get in to a good school and then, eventually, get a good job.  That’s all great, but not if it comes at the expense of living and loving life today.

© Gila Brown

Last week, a client described the daily struggles she was experiencing, while trying to get her toddlers dressed and out the door in the morning. Her boys know how to dress themselves and sometimes they do without a fight. Other times, however, they’re just not interested and when she returns to their room, she finds them still in their PJs. This is when mom is given a choice: she can stand in from of the train, nagging, threatening and begging, or she can jump on board. When she relayed the story to me, I said I didn’t see a problem. I was simply hearing her describe a kid who really wanted to wear his pajamas to school. Where’s the struggle?

Now, I recognize that the notion of sending your toddler to school in his pajamas might be an unacceptable option for you. And, that’s OK if it is. What I would like to convey, though, is that it’s at least worth questioning. Maybe you keep a bag of spare clothes in the car to hand off to the teacher. Maybe, after one day of wearing pajamas, your toddler decides that wasn’t the best choice. Or maybe wearing pajamas becomes his “thing” and all the kids think he’s just the coolest.

My point is that it is very easy to get caught up in how things are supposed to be. When we are attached to a specific outcome, and the train is headed in a different direction, we have no choice but to go to battle with the train (otherwise know as the all-powerful toddler). You do have a choice. You always have a choice. And if the thought of wearing pajamas to school is just too much for you to bear, consider the other battles you find yourself fighting each day. I encourage you to let go of the attachment to any specific outcomes and consider, which of those trains are you willing to jump on?

© Gila Brown

“What can I get you?”
“That’ll be 50 cents, please.”
“Here’s your change… and a napkin.”

Lemonade stands are such a fun opportunity for learning. From making the lemonade, planning the set up and engaging with customers, to clean up and counting profits, the whole experience can be so empowering for kids. Here are my top 5 skills your kid will learn through this experience:

1. Empowerment It’s always empowering to learn that you are capable of doing something new. Having ownership over this project will encourage motivation, hard work and responsibility.

2. Math Skills There is no better way to teach math to a child than to make a concept relevant to their lives. I lemonade stand gives kids the opportunity to measure out ingredients, divide batches into servings, calculate ratios (amount of sugar per lemon), make change, count cups and learn the different between gross vs. net income. Who says math isn’t fun?

3. Project Management The success of any business depends largely on having a solid business plan. Who is going to be involved with the stand? Will anything besides lemonade be sold? What ingredients are needed for preparation? How long will food production take? Who is responsible for marketing? Will a sign be created, and by whom? What is the pricing and how does it correlate to the overall investment? Obviously, younger children will not be able to answer all of these. The list is meant to help you consider how educational this experience can be.

4. The Art of Delegating Successful businesses have team members with very clear job descriptions. Who will be responsible for overseeing the ‘cash register’? Who is in charge of serving? Who will be tearing down the stand at the end of the day?

5. Generating Cash Flow Money is a completely abstract concept for kids. They’ve seen it and they know how to use it, but they don’t have much understanding for what it takes to earn it. A lemonade stand is an opportunity to let kids see the relationship between money and hard work.

So, summer’s almost over. This is your last chance. When life offers you lemons, make lemonade.

© Gila Brown